"And then he said..." - August 29th, 2005 [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
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August 29th, 2005

So - anyone hungry? [Aug. 29th, 2005|01:37 am]
And another period of ridiculous silence ensues...

Mostly the lack of posts is because of being back in full-time work, with the train-based commute adding another three hours of travelling to the working day.

Part of it is that most of my free time is going into the building of my new personal website, which is finally taking shape after more than two years of planning. (If you want a look, go to www.andthenhesaid.com - you may only find a 'coming soonish' notice, but if I'm testing new pages at the time you're welcome to have a browse round. Leave me a note to say what you think.)

But a sizeable reason for the silence is that I'm on the horns of an unlikely dilemma.

The new site will carry advertising, and rather than just accept random banners from some impersonal link network or banner exchange, I'm signing up to affiliate programmes with companies that sell relevant stuff. So, for example, a company selling holidays on the Norfolk Broads for the pages about the Broads and our boat. Or outdoor clothes stores for the walking pages. And so on. The first one I've signed up with is Domino Pizza, because I'm a bugger for a pizza and because I'm thinking of setting up a site about gadgets and other lads' stuff, and it seems a good advertiser for a site like that.

Trouble is, a week or so ago something happened that I want to write about. It was a rather strange and somewhat amusing encounter with a Domino delivery driver. The sort of day-to-day bizarreness that you'll know, if you're a regular reader, that I love writing about.

But I've got a total block about what to do regarding the whole advertising business.

You see, it would be daft not to take advantage of such a perfect match between advertiser and subject. But the moment the ad goes in it looks like I'm writing about it solely to run the ad (the alternative is a text link that doesn't flag itself up as an ad, but that seems dishonest to me). And any of you who have been with me for a while in this blog (including some real-world friends) deserve better treatment than becoming an audience to be sold to. But, equally, I regularly get new visitors arriving via Google for all sorts of things (for example, several when I mentioned eating a Pot Noodle a while back), so it's not that clear-cut.

All in all, it's a bit of a bugger and it's stopping me writing the post, and the ones backing up behind it.

So here's the compromise I eventually decided on: I'll write the post. I'll stick a visible Domino advert in (no secret-squirrel text link). And I'll write this post so you know when you see the other one that, if you click on it and buy something, I'll be making a few pennies out of it.

That way everyone knows what's going on. Seems fair to you?
Link19 interventions|Point of Order, Mr Speaker!

Pizza slash [Aug. 29th, 2005|11:35 pm]

Times of stress or empty cupboards in this house (as, I suspect, in most other houses) mean comfort eating and a take-away, or more accurately a delivery. And that, for us, usually means Domino's Pizza.

I spent a very odd summer as a pizza chef during my student years, working for Pizzaland. I don't claim to be an expert, or a connoisseur, but I know what I like and - although curries and Chinese have their place - what I like is round, with cheese and tomato sauce on top.

As life has changed for us, so has the experience - but not the instinct to reach for a large deep pan.

In the early post-university days of low wages, it was a case of counting the pennies to see what, if anything, we could afford. Later, as we got a bit more money, we'd go round and collect, sitting on uncomfortable plastic chairs watching the bustle in the kitchen. Eventually a Dominos opened in our home town and we'd phone for delivery, fielding baffled phone call from drivers who couldn't find our carefully hidden block of flats. Finally, luxury of luxuries, online ordering arrived and now we're even spared the confusion of explaining the address.

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We're not spared the nervous anticipation of wondering whether the driver will be able to find us, though. Admittedly, most of them just follow the groove in the tarmac between their store and our flat, but the new ones still struggle. And none more so than the most recent one, a poor young lad from somewhere in the Slavic world who was in his first night on the job.

The phone rang at just about the time we were starting to get restless and impatient. A Bond-villain voice said "Hay-lo. I am tryink to find vere you liff." In the background was the classic parpy-farty noise of an idling moped.

Now, I'll grant you it's not easy to find our flats. If you look on a map, we're just a name in the middle of a block of grey representing buildings - the access road isn't marked and the most obvious places where you'd expect to find it, if you went by the map alone, couldn't be more wrong.

We're actually down an obscure drive between a nursery playground and a churchyard, but the mad world-dominance plans of the loony vicar have involved removing one of the signs that tell you you're in the right place, and smashing the other so that it now reads only "R COURT". Also, his hubris led him to install expensive copper lights along the drive, which were stolen within weeks. He replaced them, and the new ones were stolen in days. The drive has been dark ever since.

I explained this - apart from the bit about the vicar - to the delivery driver, and said that I'd come out and meet him if he still couldn't find us. Five minutes later he rang again: "I haff still not found you, I am very sorry". I went out in search of him.

I walked down the drive, and there was no sign of a moped anywhere near it. Once I was out on the main road I looked to the left and the right, and listened carefully - my old Tufty Club training coming in handy yet again. Far in the distance was a faint buzzing and a red rear light. The driver was obviously circling the entrance to the next flats down the road in the hope they'd magically transform into mine. I phoned him and told him to head back along the road to where he'd find me.

The sound of the moped grew louder. I began to imagine I could smell the pizza. The sound grew quieter again, and the tail-light resumed its patrol around the other flats. Clearly the driver had not believed me when I said he should drive until he found me, and was now circling until I climbed down from whatever tree I was evidently hiding up. Either that or he'd got a nosebleed at the prospect of going so far west and had stopped to recover.

I rang him again, more tersely this time.

Again the engine noise approached, and I swear there was something disbelieving about its note, as if it feared it was being led into an ambush and would soon be leapt upon and carried off for spare parts. Which, in this part of London, is not wholly impossible.

I stepped into the middle of the road and began waving my arms in a manner instantly recognisable to anyone who has seen footage of flightdeck mateys guiding bombers down onto aircraft carriers. I prayed that this particular pizza pilot hadn't already jettisoned my deep pan over Baghdad. I wasn't sure I'd be responsible for the consequences.

He pulled up beside me and there was a moment's silence as we looked at each other. I was ready for a row if he'd tried to be bolshy about it. Instead he tugged off his crash helmet and it was, I'm afraid, something of a Diet Coke Break moment. Soulful dark eyes smiled out an embarrassed apology from under a shock of blue-black hair. Razor-sharp cheekbones cast interesting shadows in the gloom from the streetlights. When he told me in his thickly-accented English that it was his first time I found myself making reassuring noises and murmuring that he'd find it easier next time. He insisted on escorting me back to my flat, trundling along beside me on his moped as I walked. He had promised to deliver the pizza, and deliver it he surely would.

He would have come up the stairs to the door of my flat, but I relieved him of his burden at the ground floor entrance and sent him on his way, still apologising. Back upstairs, Beloved Other Half greeted me with the understandable grumpiness of someone who has been kept waiting far longer than is reasonable for her garlic bread. "He found you in the end, then?" she demanded.

"Don't be harsh on him," I found myself saying as we ripped open the boxes with barely concealed pizza-lust. "It was his first night on the job."

Link5 interventions|Point of Order, Mr Speaker!

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