ignore the smoke - and smile

How did we get here...I used to know you so well.

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 03:45:39 GMT

Really kind of sick of everything.

Hopefully that Dr. calls me back to schedule an appointment. I can't believe how rude some of the psychiatrists I have been calling have been. I can't believe how hard it is to find one accepting Cigna insurance. Most are men in my area. I really didn't want a male, but oh well. Hopefully this one in particular calls me back. My luck, he'll have hours that don't fit with my mom's schedule, since I'm a loser, don't drive, and she'd take me.

I ran out of cigarettes and i'm currently too lazy to go walk to 7-11 a few blocks away. I asked Mike to simply drop off a pack and I'd pay him back. Nope. He's been out with Ricardo for more than a few hours now trying to hack his new xbox, they figured out a way to get free games or something genius, but I just fucking wish Mike would WANT to spend time with me, I only wish I were THAT fun. I'm so bitter, it's sick. I hate him so much because I'm dying to see him, really craving some affection from him, really just want to HOLD him and be held by him, and we won't be able to do that till Saturday...plans I made, of course. Lol. I wonder when we'd ever get to do those kinds of things, have sex and cuddle and spend time alone together if it weren't for me always setting aside days for us to do just that...and not go out with his guy friends to the bar. He's pissing me off to an extreme. I'm being more needy than usual. I just need a cigarette, just drop me off some, that's it, then I'll get to see YOU for a MINUTE.

The only highlight of my day was that my brother was kind enough to give my mom and I a $100 Christmas Bonus. That was awesome and unexpected and not deserved on my part one bit. I'm so broke though, it's not even funny, I'm barely able to afford the $7 and change for a pack of parliment lights. This job will end in early Feb, so I'll be broke till I get a job eventually, since the company is merging with another company, I won't be needed anymore.

That girl from class, Danielle, has been begging me to come hangout with her. The lesbian. I'm afraid to chill with her. I don't know her that well, she doesn't live that close, and I'm afraid if I go to her house tomorrow...I'm going to start shit with her and her gf since her gf lives there...since this girl Danielle has been hitting on me nonstop worse than a guy LOL. I need a friend though. I need a life outside of Mike. I need someone. But only meeting her twice quickly in class, I don't know too much about her, and it could end up being awkward and scary. lol. We'll see. It would be "big" if I actually hungout with her tomorrow since i'm terrified of people, new relationships, and leaving the house, not that she'd ever understand that, she thinks I'm avoiding her. Who knows.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 08:47:59 GMT

omg, went out with mike and his friends.
drank tooooooooooooooo much.
purged a zillion times in the diner.
borderline alchol poisening.
It's shitty tat I let mself get this bad.

typos - i dont care.
i feel so sick.

Another year older.

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 03:06:15 GMT

Ahh tomorrow's my stupid birthday. 22 feels older than I'd like to think I am. Much older. I'm still stuck at 18 sometimes...sometimes even 16.

I have school from 9-5, then I'm going to celebrate with the family. The ones that matter more than anything. Mom's making me burgers for dinner, and brownies for later =)
I'm thankful for so much right now. So often I worry about having no friends, worried people don't see me. Fuck that. I have an amazing boyfriend, his family is my second family, and a family I love more than words can say. These people never forget me no matter what.

And my lovely deadjournal friends. I'm happy I have the pleasure of knowing you all.

I hope I can make this another year in which I can grow and progress like I have been doing slowwwwwley, but surely.

I got a 68 on the math test today. Not good, but all I really need is a 65 to pass the exit exam, and to continue on with college.
I'm not about to hope anything right now. Hope for me, is a bad thing in this case. I must expect the worst. Whatever happens, might be happening for a reason.
I'm hoping - as this door closes, which it most likely will, another one should open.

jerk.

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 05:56:07 GMT

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have low extroversion.
You are quiet and reserved in most social situations.
A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you.
You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people.

Conscientiousness:

You have low conscientiousness.
Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously.
Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions.
Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done.

Agreeableness:

You have low agreeableness.
Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.
In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.
And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.

Neuroticism:

You have high neuroticism.
It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed.
You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully.
You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 16:05:50 GMT

Aquolina's Pink Sugar
Bath and Body works body sprays, lotions, and the sweet pea perfume.
CLOTHES
A reallly nice purse
Tickets to see the NYC Rockettes....but I have work =/ I have work scheduled for next week already, and I had no idea I'd get these. I really want to go, but my manager's a dick. I might call in sick. I know I shouldn't. They depend on my fat ass there. So what do I do???
Marquisette earring hoops
A pair of really nice gloves from NY and CO.
Clothes fro Kohls, Old Navy, and NY & CO.

Yayyyy. Still need to go over Mike's house in a few. His mom got me this perfume I think, "Chocolovers" it smells like Chocolate and Hazelnut. Pink Sugar is the besttttt perfume ever. Every girl should own it. It smells like vanilla icing, but it's not overbearing or cheap smelling, it's pricy shiiiit.
Everyone in the house seemed happy with what they got.
The party last night at my house was great. A little hung over now, but great. We played Pop culture by Cranium. It was COMICAL. (I'm just waiting for the HUGE Xmas day breakfast feast right now) hahaha.
Definitely put on a few lbs. in a NIGHT.

CHRISTMAS insanity is OVER at work. Returns should be bad, but I'm not register. Yay.
I found almost everyone I work with on Myspace. I'll have to show you guys the links later.
Sorry, I forgot to take pics...too drunk.

Aaaaaand, that's it.

I get to play the Wiiii

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 19:20:25 GMT

Post it anonymously.
Tell me:

a truth:
a wish:
a fantasy:
a secret:
a compliment:
a love note:
a song:
a hint to who you are:

Curious

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 15:56:29 GMT

Post anything that you want (in comments), and post it anonymously. *ANYTHING* A story, a secret, a dorkass comment, a word, a confession, what you think of me, a fear, a love... anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post as many times as you want if you'd like. Then, put this in your DJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your DJ) have to say.

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 18:44:06 GMT

'm completley fucking dissapointed with some people on here, and for that, i'm done and through with it.

(for those that have suported me unconditonally, you know who you are. Join me at LJ if you want to continue whatever this is.

Because apparently i'm a lazy fat kid who sits on her ass all day complaining and btiching and not doing anything about it.

because my last 2 journals and however many entries in here, havent proved a fucking god damn thing.

Fuck you all.

(Those who still have me on there lists and are NOT on my list, REMOVE ME now)

Hmph?

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 17:32:08 GMT

[Fat whore]

ADD ME ON MYSPACE if you love me :D

www.myspace.com/liithiium

Maynard is M'azing.

Thu, 21 Jul 2005 23:58:38 GMT

Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see armageddon soon
I certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation from this

Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away
Any fucking time, Any fucking day
Learn to swim, See you down in Arizona bay

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car

It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away
Any fucking time, Any fucking day
Learn to swim, See you down in Arizona bay

Some say a comet will fall from the sky
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits

Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see armageddon soon
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this

Stupid shit, Silly shit, Stupid shit

One great big festering neon distraction
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied

Learn to swim

Mom's gonna fix it all soon
Mom's comin' round to put it back the way it ought to be

Learn to swim

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones
Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes

Learn to swim

Fuck retro anything
Fuck your tattoos
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory

Learn to swim

Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas
Fuck these dysfunctional
Insecure actresses

Learn to swim

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way
I wanna watch it all go down
Mom please flush it all away
I wanna watch it go right in and down
I wanna watch it go right in
Watch you flush it all away

Time to bring it down again
Don't just call me pessimist
Try and read between the lines

I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend

I wanna see it all come down
Suck it down
Flush it down

stolens.

Sun, 15 May 2005 19:36:18 GMT

Post anything that you want (in comments), and post it anonymously.

*ANYTHING*

A story, a secret, a dorkass comment, a word, a confession, what you think of me, a fear, a love... anything. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post as many times as you want if you'd like. Then, put this in your DJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your DJ) have to say.
<3

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 04:25:39 GMT

Join<3

Mom, please bury me in this dress - thanks

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 22:49:31 GMT

This journal is completley open to people I know and trust and have known for quite a time.

I will *not* add just anyone

This journal is now over a year old and has VERY sensative areas of my life written in it therefore, it's friend's only.

-Jennifer