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[05 Nov 2009|07:31pm] |
My computer is going really slow. And I've noticed 99% of the entries on DeadJournal by every user that's a girl is about her boyfriend/husband or relationship issues. There is more to us, right ladies?
*Myself included*
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[07 Jun 2009|11:47pm] |
I am adoring Eugene O'Neill.
So far, I've really enjoyed "Anna Christie" and "Beyond the Horizon" and... "Desire Under the Elms".
Py, yingo!
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| No time! |
[02 Jun 2009|03:23pm] |
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No time to update today, but I'm content with life at the moment. I've made some realizations about a couple of things, and although I haven't quite figured life out yet, I don't expect I will anytime soon.
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| The Numbing |
[12 Oct 2008|08:32am] |
My life has been drawn out well beyond labeling it any longer 'with a purpose'. I have thought long and hard about purpose and meaning, and what each person brings into this world. I feel I have brought it and it is now time for me to part.
I feel if there were a God, or something that controlled destiny, he or she must have forgotten about me. I think I should have died a little while ago, or perhaps very soon.
I have set myself up for psychotic breakdown. It began when I was born. It began when I was very young, and could consciously think for myself. I was the baby; the princess. My brother tormented me day in and out, and because of this we will never be close or even fond of each other. My older brother is too distant, as is his now wife, even though I was in her bridal party. My older sister is too obnoxious, and consumed in her own problems. The longer I am alive the more I see the flaws of my once flawless-to-me parents. My mother: an addict to addiction, i.e. gambling and cigarettes; and my father, diagnosed obsessive-compulsive and probably suffers from an antisocial disorder. My family is made up of very cruel individuals, all very self centered and status conscientious; all with an unnatural degree of temper that boils deep within them, and the quality of insatiability.
Then there is me. I have come to realize within me is them. Within me are all of those nasty qualities. I am, as they say, a "Murphy" and simply because of my last name I am predetermined to forever be like a "Murphy". This means there are already plenty of "Murphy's" in the world and my absence will not disrupt the balance of my kind.
My aspiration, I have recently discovered, is not a career, or family, but love. I have had my heart set on finding my "one true love" and together he and I would conquer the world (not literally of course, but figuratively). He would love me to the ends of time, and would do anything for me; and I for him. When we were together it would be like no one else existed and our love was the reason we were created. This was the reason I was created. I was created to love and to find my love, to experience to the fullest degree what love is. I now believe my purpose has failed me. I know I found the one I am meant to love, but he does not reciprocate. I know this by the way he leaves to go to Church even when I am upset. I know this when he drives me home from his brand new house at eight in the morning instead of giving me the option to stay there while he goes to Church. I know this by the way he expects me to be like him and his family. I know this by the way his mother ignores me but not speaking to me or even looking at me. I know this by the way I feel pain almost every day because for some reason I am not getting what I need out of him, because he is too busy with himself. In most people I would find this trait magnificant, but when I am on the flip side of this behavior it is heart breaking.
I do not feel loved. I do not feel love from really anybody. This breaks me. I will never have a loving family and it seems impossible for me to find any good within them. I am consumed with the idea I am not loved. This scares me. I do not feel like I am loved by my lover, my family, or my friends. Who else is there to love? It's quite possible I am suffering from a mild depression, and yet nobody seems to notice. I get yelled at, snapped at, I never get hugs, or kisses, or love. I feel completely unwanted. If love is my aspiration, life has failed me, or I have failed life.
Suicide crosses my mind, and although I do not think I would seriously act, I think about it maybe too often. I feel a deep, deep hopelessness within me. It surfaces frequently. When it emerges, I withdraw into my shell. I put on a mask. I feel completely miserable. I feel fake. I feel as if nobody understands me, and worse- nobody wants to understand me.
I wish there were more ways I could express this feeling; perhaps I would be a great painter, or artist. Instead the feelings expand within me until I explode, whether in anger or sadness. Lately, it has been sadness. Sadness takes less energy, and as I wither I become weaker.
I do not want to be attacked anymore. I do not want to be asked to do things. I do not want expectations. I just want to dwell and increase the rate of death. There is no longer purpose to my life. I found the one I love and yet I do not feel love. I am insatiable because I am a "Murphy". Life has passed me and life will continue even after I am gone.
The numbing has started.
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[03 Oct 2007|02:38pm] |
Wow, long time no type.
Long story short: my doctor is calling me tomorrow so she can refer to me to a therapist.
Yay!
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| Clerks Reference |
[27 Jul 2007|10:29am] |
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I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE TODAY.
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| Friends Only |
[01 Nov 2004|08:29pm] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
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music |
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weezer - undone |
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If you'd like to be added as a friend, I recommend you either leave a comment, or add me automatically. I'm not picky about friends...just don't piss me off if you are my friend. :D Other than that, enjoy.
_Ashley
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